We must accept finite disappointments but never lose infinite hope.

–Martin Luther King, Jr.

The past few weeks had been quite heavy for the soul. I am surprisingly worn out not because of schoolwork but because of issues that, in some ways, do not even affect me “directly”.

Politics, both national an university-wide. Lying liars who lie seated in our government. Our agriculture brothers and sisters from Kidapawan. Widespread hate and politicking even inside my university. Fellow intellectuals (and even those brainwashed by fanaticism) who continue to believe in bloodshed as the solution to every problem in this country and in this world. More natural- and war-made disasters in every continent.

Even personal issues like needing too much space, not being able to connect to people like I want to, and not being able to deal with all the compartments I’ve made to separate my life into layers and barriers–they’ve all had a hand at stressing me inside and out.

I’m a bit tired, worn out.

A bit disillusioned, although everyday I’m fighting rigorously so as to not fall completely into a disillusioned, gray adult life.

It’s a hard fight, sometimes seemingly futile.

Why do you have to fight against being disillusioned, when it’s an eventuality for everyone exposed to the harshness of reality, especially in a more informed point of view?

I’m afraid of being so disillusioned that I’d fail to see the point of everything I’m doing, everything I’m fighting for; that I’d fail to see the point of livingOr, God forbid, I’d settle with merely surviving.

I’d hate that.

My younger self would hate that.

Everyday, I try to be more optimistic and to be more loving.

It’s easier to be hateful and to spite everyone, but it’s also tiring and pointless. The world sure doesn’t need more hate–there’s more than enough going around of hate and fear both.

It’s so easy to be mad at people who seem to have given up on humanity, on being people. I’m so angry at them these days.

Just in this university, people are so fucking divided by [political] color and ideology, of accomplishments made and lack of action that they measure up against each other. What’s the fucking point of that? For a sector filled with young and bright intellectuals, we sure are dumb. But then again, it’s politics whether the ones involved are action stars or people from the grassroots who “rose into power”. Education sure doesn’t give us immunity from Politics and the clutch of Ideology (“All hail!”), and I’ve seen it firsthand.

People are so keen on fighting each other and “sad” doesn’t even cover it, but I’ll still say it anyway:

It’s sad.

Once, I dreamed of serving my university not because I have high ambitions for myself and my curriculum vitae, but because I truly enjoy serving my fellow students the way I enjoyed it back in high school. I wish I were more clear-headed back then, so I could have served my fellow Ruralites better.

This kind of bright-eyed dream has no place in this university, though. It doesn’t have a place in the grand scheme of things even in the community that I live in, both local and national. No matter how much people say it’s for us, that it’s okay to dream and that we need more sincere dreams of serving the community or the university, reality doesn’t allow bright candles held by the hopeful to survive.

Bright-eyed dreams are so easy to snuff out, because they have no place in this world full of divides and selfish interests.

Every day, I feel myself succumbing more and more into being a hard person, a locked up person who has accepted that this world is harsh and cruel, and to be here you have to be harsh and cruel right back.

It’s a struggle, to find the soft person in me, the child who used to believe in goodness and simplicity.

Every day I feel like there’s no point anymore in being kind, in being soft and loving.

But every day I also feel this need to just love the world for what it is, collective faults and all because not enough people do.

Every day I come closer and closer to figuring out what I truly want to do after picking up a degree.

Just tonight, Dad went into my room and asked me what my plans are after college. If I plan to go straight abroad or what, of if I’ve got any idea what industry best suits my degree.

I told him I want to go to IR–international relations. And I do. Academically, that’s where I want to propel myself to. Law school is a wild stray thought here and there.

But more than that, I just want to help. (Although that isn’t really the right thing to tell your parents who worry about your future plans for the adult life, so I just refrain from elaborating so much hahaha.)

I want to help the poor, the malnourished, the undermined, the oppressed, the under-represented, the victims. All around the world.

And I don’t want to do it because it’s the noble thing to do.

It’s just, sometimes I feel so tired of being angry at all the wrongdoings in this world that the only thing left for me is to move it aside and start building a dream of helping out instead. I don’t think I have the right to call myself noble, just because I want to dedicate myself to a noble cause.

I just feel like with all the bad things going on all around me, I owe myself and the world to at least try more than my best to be a good person and just do right by all the people who are helpless.

I have aspirations purely for selfish reasons too, but sometimes I just feel tired of society in general. Society expects you to generate money for yourself, then pits you against other people and measures you based on your bank account statement, your clothes and the house you buy, your figure and weight.

Society is so fucking superficial, and we all thrive in it.

I am so fucking tired of it.

I feel like there are simply greater things to think of, like the world at large. At times I feel like I am just one person and whatever luxuries I manage to get in the long run would be without value when all around me, poverty is rampant. Hunger is rampant. Discrimination and harassment and all out hatred are rampant. Our little insecurities and selfish greed are so fucking insignificant. They don’t fucking matter.

The world is filled with ugly things–why do people not realize that the only way to go with this is to stop adding to all those ugly things and just start building the beautiful and the better? And I don’t mean beauty in its physicality.

I don’t get why people prefer tiring themselves aimlessly for the shallowest of things, for temporary glory and temporary glitter and glam, when the world is so beautifully ugly that it needs all the love it can get from everyone.

At the other side of the spectrum are people who love the world and are so angry because it’s not how they want it to be. And they are angry–they protest against the bad guys, the corrupt and evil. They wish to end everything with a fight, a battle, with bloodshed and their own version of justice and accountability. The world is full of people convinced that their ideology is what’s fucking right, the realest shit ever, and everyone else who do not subscribe to what they believe in are evil people, wrong people, doomed people.

There are people who believe that being angry is the most noble of all fights, but I think that the silent fury of loving despite everything bad in this world is just as noble—if not more.

But hey, what do I know? I’m just this small town, idealistic girl loving the world in spite of its many faults, right?


Featured Image by Yaoqi Lai via unsplash.com

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