At the Precipice

Some people believe that a new day hasn’t started yet as long as they haven’t slept a wink–time and numbers be damned.

Let me join the bandwagon for tonight(?) and declare that until I post this, it’s still New Year’s Eve in this blog.

This is it.

The precipice.

I am [figuratively] standing at the edge of a chasm, and it’s so deep that I can’t see anything below. I can’t see if there’s a bottom at all; and if there is, I can’t see how far it is.

I am at the precipice, ready to tip over from the edge of 2015 and into the brave, free fall towards 2016.

Before I step off towards 2016, I must stop for a moment. I could let my legs dangle dangerously–teasingly–to the open pit of a new tomorrow, but for now I’m stopping here.

I have to think.

The start of 2015 was a mad scramble–the remnants of a rough 2014 seemed to be too much to handle and end that they ended up getting dragged along to 2015. But the end of 2014 also had me considering this cliff. Before that, the idea of going nearer was too ludicrous–I believed that I couldn’t do it. I was too scared.

But I was tired of being a shitty person and being scared of nothing.

I knew I couldn’t do it without prior planning.

And planning has never been my forte–Exhibit A: a far-fetched career in architecture.

Even so, I decided, “I could maybe try. It’s worth the effort.”

Then, “I want something to change.

2015 was a year of changes–

–change of hair color, of style, of speech patterns and mannerisms and new habits.

But it was also a year of striving–and achieving.

2015 is the year I wanted to become a better person. 2015 is the year I wanted to improve, the year I wanted to make a difference even if it’s small–even if it’s just with my life.

2015 was the year I decided that struggle would never drag me down again; it’s the year I decided I will defeat every struggle I encounter in my life.

I realized that I could be more, that I could have goals and that I could actually achieve them.

I realized that it’s possible and it’s okay

to let go of toxic people in my life

to value myself first above everything else

to love myself first

to be alone but never lonely

to be sad but be eventually okay

to set goals and achieve them

to set goals and not achieve them (at first)

to try a second, third, hundredth time

to fail and to succeed

to cry a little when things seem rough

to square my shoulders and ignore the tears and plow through what needs to be done first

to have few but true and wonderful friends

to ignore people when you need time and space for yourself

to splurge money on what makes you happy

to save up for things that make you happy

to take a nap when you need it badly

to take a nap (or sleep through the night) even when you don’t need it badly

to study hard and get good gradess

to study hard but still get less satisfactory grades

to be forget sometimes

to be forgotten sometimes, and be okay with it or not

to remember the bad times and good times

to despair and to celebrate.

2015 was a mad scramble of shaky plans and new dreams and ambition, and this 2016, I’m taking everything I learned and developed and grew into–both the good and the less-than-good–and I’m going to leap.

I am at the precipice.

And it’s time to jump into the void–a new year filled with new struggles and new opportunities as well.

This is the start of my 2016.


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