It’s the middle of my second week back in school, and I’m immensely enjoying my classes. I haven’t even finished my post about the Bigbang concert and I already watched another one!!! Crazy, I know. I was ~persuaded~ by my friend to watch the joint concert of All Time Low and The Maine yesterday at the MOA Arena (we bought tickets the day before the concert itself LOL) and all I can say for now is that I should have watched a non-Kpop concert sooner. (More about this when I get into my writing mood again hehehe.)
I’m not here to talk about the specifics of my life. At least, not now.
Right now, I’m sitting here at my college’s library (it feels so great to be able to say that now and not mean Arki’s library but CAL’s *kilig emoji*). I used to be so afraid that I won’t be able to make it, that I would end up as a non-major (because I definitely do not want to be back in Arki). Or worse, that I would lose so much hope that I’d end up quitting college for a semester or two (or forever). I know that it’s not necessarily a bad thing, to be not sure yet of what you really want to pursue in life or to take a year or two off from college, but I guess I’m just so afraid of failing—again—in the eyes of my parents.
That’s one of the most restricting things about being surrounded with people whose beliefs are too traditional, or people who only have a single version of success in their mind. They consider a step back or a pause as a failure already, when for others, it’s just something you have to do to regroup your thoughts and switch to Plan B, C, or D.
I know, at least to myself, that tripping like that in life is not really the end, that straight ahead is not the only route to success, so I really don’t mind getting held back by a year or two. I see that as an opportunity to take more classes that interest me, an opportunity to gain more knowledge not just in my field but others as well.
I’ve come to realize how much I thirst for knowledge, as ~nerdy~ as that may seem to other people. And for the first time in my college life, I feel so eager and refreshed because of the new things I’m absorbing not just from my professors but from my peers as well. There’s so much around me, in this university, that could be a good source of knowledge and it’s not limited to extensive book collections in the library. Class discussions have the potential to veer away from the boxed in structure of the syllabus if you just ask the right questions.
I made it, I got to shift to the program I really want to pursue, and I couldn’t even be more grateful. It’s a new chance, albeit not entirely a new start, to be able to find my rhythm in my studies again. There’s always the question of “Is this really the program for me?” and before, I used to have a list justifying why I should stay in Arki, another one justifying why it would be a bad idea to move out.
Now, there is no list.
There’s just genuine enjoyment in me.
I find my classes hard. It’s pretty normal to face difficulties in class. But before, I used to find these difficulties as forms of torture. Now, I find them challenging, yes, but a challenge I’m willing to work hard for. There will always be exceptionally hard classes, especially in this university; it’s just a matter of how you look at them, and whether you’d take them on face first or turn away and run.
Most of the time, I’m at a loss with the current discussions. Most of the time, some of my classmates could answer the professor’s questions while I don’t even have an idea of what he’s talking about. It’s frustrating at times, but it fuels me more to find ways to remedy my ignorance. The topics we’re taking up in class make me feel how small I am as compared to the rest of the world, but they also makes me realize how much more I don’t know and how much I actually want to know those things.
They say that the quest for knowledge, once you get hooked, is endless. As early as now, I’m kind of feeling it already and not just in an ordinary undergrad-trying-to-survive-uni way. I think, if I would get the opportunity, I would like to pursue postgrad studies abroad. I’ve always dreamed of studying in Harvard or any university in the Ivy League. I’ve been checking online the odds of me getting into an Ivy League, and yes, right now it’s kinda far-fetched given my track record in my first year here in college. But it’s not the end. It’s not the only way to study abroad and fulfill my dreams.
I still want to go on an exchange student program, even though I’m already in my third year (technically), and that I’m already ~too old~. But there’s so much to gain if I take off to another country and learn their culture, learn not just from their intellectuals but from their people too.
Even now, I’m still not sure if I’d be able to graduate soon, or if it would take me an extra semester or year before I get to join my fellow UP students with the honor and burden of wearing the sablay. I try not to think and worry about it too much, because I’m honestly enjoying my classes right now; but really, when your parents hound you about graduation almost every time you see each other, you can’t help but exasperatedly worry about something in the distant future. I’m all for planning and being prepared, but the present is our now. I don’t want to miss out on what’s happening in front of me right now, if I keep on trying to peer into the future so much.
I hope my parents and society could really understand that.